What should be in Harry Potter
by SkyeElf
Summary: What SHOULD be in HP? A bit of insanity, that's what. Things concerning bunny slippers, Dumbledore's beard, the dangers of drapery, Bellatrix's greasy hands and random conversations. BEING REVAMPED! Suggestions welcome!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer; I do not own HP. Or most of the things on this list. I found the list on DeviantArt, and it belongs to her. Also, other things can be contributed to AVPM/AVPS. I just write the funny things. Or I TRY.**

**A/N: this is just a crackfic on things I think should be in Harry Potter. It's random and sometimes just wrong. No doubt I'll get a big load of flames for this, but meh… **

**Please note: This story is being REVAMPED! I decided to work on this story again and to make it better, by removing all of the errors it had and go from there. Suggestions are encouraged! I will try to write it, I promise.  
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**Chapter 1: Groping is fun.**

The Malfoy home was quiet, a lone voice daring to break the silence.

"Will the Ministry have fallen, Yaxley?" Voldemort inquired. He and his followers were standing in the Dining Room, a circle formed around the only unhooded figure there – Voldemort.

Yes, my lord." One of the hooded figures answered. The figure to Voldemort's immediate left's robe lifted a third of a millimeter, her hand searching for her master's. Voldemort, on the other hand, noticed it and started to sweat like the crazy person he was.

"Good. And the school, Severus?" He asked the figure to his immediate right, trying to keep his voice at the high intimidation it was used to and not the squealing type of high.

The hand glided up his arm. He wanted to shiver, but suppressed it: he was the bloody Dark Lord, he couldn't be intimidated by Bellatrix's greasy hands. Even if they were gross.

"Yes, my lord, only purebloods, as you asked." The sneering voice of everyone's favourite Potions professor said with a stiff bow. Wow, okay, he was obviously not the only one uncomfortable here as he felt the small hand move to his back under his robe. Ewwwww.

"That is good. You have accomplished your task well, Severus." He tried to think rationally, but the circles being drawn on his back was surely making grease stains and it was just weird. Gross. Gross gross gross...

The hand moved down. What was odd to the Dark Lord was that no one was seeing this – or they saw it, but didn't move to stop it. He would have their heads!

"Thank you, my lord." Severus bowed stiffly again. He looked at Severus, attempting to plead but only managed to look like he had cramps.

The greasy hand had quickly moved to his groin, and a high-pitched, very girly, scream could be heard for miles around.

One very embarrassed Lord Voldemort was glaring at Bellatrix's figure. The latter looked like she had just stolen the remaining Longbottom's sanity.

"For goodness' sake, Bellatrix! Stop. Groping. Me! Just… just go stand over there…" He shivered, "And for the love of everthing good, wash your hands every once in a while!"

He pointed to a place opposite him, and far away from him. Bellatrix did as she was told, even if she wore a gruesome scowl under the mask. She _did_ wash her hands; it wasn't her fault Snape's shampoo was on the basin and she had mistaken it for hand washing soap.

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><p>Please review!<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: It contains slash! But, be warned, this is only meant for humour.  
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**Chapter 2: Sexah! Part 1 of my Drarry silliness.**

Harry, Ron and Hermione were descending the chairs to go to lunch, only to be met by a very ticked of Draco Malfoy on his way back from lunch. Malfoy wasn't exactly looking where he was going, so he stumbled into our beloved Harry.

"Shove off, Potter." He sneered, pushing past Harry again. Harry, in contrast to Draco, was in a very happy mood and decided to take the mickey out of Draco.

"Or what? Your daddy'll get me expelled?" He tossed over his shoulder, and he literally heard Draco's screeching halt.

"You know, Pothead, I don't get how YOU survived." Draco said, turning back briefly to look back at him.

"You know what, Ferret, I really don't care what you think." Harry snapped back.

"You're such a loser, Scarhead." Draco quipped. Harry rolled his eyes - that was getting old.

"Bleach boy." Harry replied, though he wasn't sure if Draco even knew what bleach was; but it still had the desired effect.

"Pottie." Draco said with a sneer. Harry rolled his eyes again - Draco really needed help.

"White trash." Harry shoved an equally silly insult back, causing Hermione to roll her eyes.

"Parentless?" Draco said icily. Apparently the word 'white trash' was a low blow - who'd've guessed?

"Wish you were me?" Harry said innocently.

"Hardly." Draco said with a dramatic hand in the air. Harry lifted an eyebrow - Draco was a drama queen, all right.

"I've got freedom." Harry said, lifting his hand with equally dramatic flair. This time Ron rolled his eyes.

"I've got a cool tattoo." Draco was scowling - Harry knew he was winning and he was loving it.

"I've got great friends."

"I've got big friends."

"Don't you mean dumb friends?" Hermione inserted, before blushing and pulling her nose out of Harry's fight. Both boys stared at her for a while before looking back at each other.

"You've got a mudblood." Draco said, amused.

"Even if you put your friends' brains together it wouldn't be enough to pass first year." Harry said, causing both Hermione and Draco blush.

"Bloodtraitor." Draco said rather weakly.

"How much muggle-blood have you got, Malfoy?" Harry tilted his head to the right a bit.

Malfoy lifted his hand and balled it into a fist, it seems Harry has struck a nerve. Draco also turned a very dashing red that could pass for Gryffindor colours.

"What's going on here?" Snape, appearing out of nowhere, demanded. Harry wondered how the hell he could do that, or did he just wait in the shadows for trouble to break out so he could pounce on it like a hungry python (Harry would've said lion, but that would be kinda disrespectful and ironic at the same time).

"Nothing, sir." Malfoy hastily lowered his arm before scurrying off, Snape deciding to follow him. Harry lifted another eyebrow. So Snape was following a youngster around in the shadows like a lap dog? Harry just had to know what was going on.

"Man, that Malfoy boy is sexy!"

"Harry!" Hermione shrieked.

"What?" Harry demanded from his dumbstruck friends. "I was just saying..."


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: This is after the battle in the MOM. Also, note the sarcasm in the below piece.**

**Chapter 3: Hedwig.**

Lord Voldemort was furious! Harry Potter had escaped him, yet again! And with that, most of his followers were now stuck in Azkaban! He NEEDED those bloody followers! Without them, he was nothing but an insane old man with an obsession that was more than just eccentric, but wrong. He was promoting murder, slavery and incest – and when people left him to fight for the other side, like that stupid elf did, that Malfoy slave – didn't it know that it was now on the wrong side? Who in their right minds would fight for equal rights and peace?

War was exciting and peace was for people who just weren't fun. Equal rights were for poor and stupid people – couldn't they see that?

"My lord…" Bellatrix cowered. Gosh, he loved it when she cowered. He didn't want her to touch her – gosh that woman had greasy hands; it was as if she washed her hands in Severus' hair for some reason he really didn't want to think about. He just loved it when she cowered. She cowered in the best way possible. Gosh, it was such an ego boost.

"No." The cold high-voice spoke. He looked up into the sky at Malfoy Manor. He wanted to have his dramatic moment, like all bad guys had, with the sky. Only he refused to shake his fist in the sky like some idiot.

"I'll get you one day Harry Potter," He shouted into the innocent-looking sky, "and your little owl too!"

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><p><strong>Please do review, and don't forget those suggestions!<br>**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Note that I am very well aware that the veil isn't solid, it was light, but meh. It's FANFICTION. Emphasis on the FICTION. Some guy yelled at me for this piece in the previous story, so I'm just throwing that out there right now.**

**Chapter 4: Drapery is dangerous! (Sixth year)**

"What else provides a threat to the wizarding world now that the Dark Lord has returned?" Snape demanded from his class, and Harry swore that by the way his cloak was dramatically billowing, he would sprout wings anytime soon and fly over to every student to leer over their shoulders and squawk or shriek or whatever it was that a bat did every time they made the tiniest mistake, like not closing the 'a' in cursive writing or making the dot on the 'I' in strange places. The latter was a legitimate worry, though.

They were in Defense Against the Dark Arts, and, of course, Hermione's hand was the first to hit the air. Snape, however, ignored her and looked directly to his godson. Harry lifted an eyebrow, what was going on there? He always wondered why Snape favourite Draco, and he had a theory that either Draco was Snape's bastard son or those two were in a very strange relationship. Perhaps they made turns sleeping with a blanket? Maybe they exchanged notes on the proper way to build a porcelain doll? The possibilities were endless, and it sort of amused Harry.

"Mr Malfoy?"

"Sir." He nodded. "There are Inferi, the Unforgivable Curses, giants…" He continued to name a number of things until Potter interrupted him.

"And drapery!" Potter yelled, thinking deeply. The expression of Harry Potter overthinking something really terrified some of the students.

"Excuse me, Mr Potter?" Snape even forgot to sneer.

"Drapery." Potter repeated. Snape was now thoroughly confused. He wasn't the only one, but it sometimes happened.

"Are you trying to be funny?" Snape asked, this time remembering to draw his upper lip into a sneer.

"No." Harry frowned. "Curtains can kill you." To anyone besides Ron, Hermione and Neville, this sounded odd.

Even if his three friends knew exactly what he was talking about, they were having a hard time not laughing wildly. Even if, to Harry, it was no laughing matter, he had, after all, lost his godfather that way.

"Ten points from Gryffindor for an ill-attempt at humour Mr Potter." Snape leered. Harry scowled at Snape, though not aloud. That man could leer, sneer, scowl and be a general snarky and snarly guy without even trying.

Meanwhile, between thinking of synonyms for 'sneer' (scorn, jeer, snigger), Harry decided to prove to Snape that drapery was dangerous.

It was during a detention with Snape. Harry had, for once, shown up before his professor to ready the professor's office for the lesson.

The door opened as if in slow-motion, and Snape entered. Immediately tripping over the first curtain Harry had hung. A series of crashes could be heard throughout the whole of Hogwarts as Professor Snape tripped over curtain upon drape… upon curtain…

"Potter!"

"See! Drapery IS dangerous!" Harry yelled triumphantly.

A week later the Defense Against the Dark Arts class was covered in various posters explaining the dangers of drapery.

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><p><strong>AN: Please review!**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: Ain't mine.**

**Chapter 5: Snake**

The Death Eater meeting was in full swing. And Draco was bored. That was never a good thing; the last time Draco was bored, his father ended up cuddling a guava and his mother was singing karaoke rather drunkenly, with Severus Snape next to his father on the bed and that idiot Wormtail was hiding on a Chinese cabinet.

The Dark Lord was babbling on about how Snape was his most loyal servant and how he was going to beat Potter, oh, and let's not forget that he hates Mudbloods, Muggles and Bloodtraitors. And half-breeds, elves, slaves, murder, having to marry your cousins (ewww, there was no Draco was doing that, his cousin was gross and she has a hair on her nose the length of his armpit hair, he didn't know why she just didn't hex it off).

A loud hissing sound emanated from the thick snake around his master's neck. Draco wondered how the hell that snake stayed in place and how the Dark Lord managed to stay on his feet – there was no way he was that strong. Maybe he should challenge the Dark Gross Idea Guy to an arm-wrestling challenge.

Voldemort was tapping it slowly, almost endearingly…

All thoughts of an arm-wrestling match and his cousin's nose hair flew from his mind at this; Draco couldn't help but wonder…

Draco obviously had no idea what they were currently discussing. If you could see his cousin's nose hair, you'd understand too. It was just gross and he swore to hex it off next time he saw her.

"So…" He interrupted his master's ranting. He didn't like all the attention being on the Gross Idea Guy who wanted him to marry his weird cousin, he wanted some attention too.

"What is it, Draco?" Voldemort asked impatiently. Draco smirked, knowing the question burning inside him might just cost him his life. He reclined back in his chair and placed his feet on the dining room table. Plus, he would rather risk death than his strange cousin, who really should stop wearing cats on her feet.

"So… what's REALLY going on between his lordship and that snake, hmm?"

. . .

**A/N: Hey, guys, please review and send in some requests! I have gotten a single review since I've started to revamp the story. Please**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: For Carissa101, who requested two things. The first was rather disturbing, but the second inspired this. Hope you like it!  
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**Chapter 6: Harry doesn't hit girls. He gets other girls to do it.  
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Harry was more than a little bit confused. Now, this in itself wasn't all that strange, Harry wasn't Hermione, after all; but this was strange.

It started at breakfast. Hermione was acting weird, even for her. She kept glancing to the teachers' table, blushing and then proceeded to attempt to eat her pumpkin juice with a fork and to drink her bacon. She was holding the plate up to her lips and seemed confused when nothing but grease slipped down her throat.

Harry was both amused and disgusted.

Then came Potions, where his best friend (not Ron, the other one) tried to chop his finger into bits, and then his 'bits' into bits. Harry ran from Hermione as if a wild boar was on his trail and vowed to get some of those gear that cricket players wear in a match and wear it around Hermione. She was bloody mad! He didn't doubt that Snape would give him a month's worth of attention for running from his class, yelling things about insane people and their knives.

When it was dinner time, Ron dragged him to the Great Hall, while Harry complained rather loudly, making even Malfoy ashamed. Harry tried to escape, but first Ron grasped his arm firmly and pulled him along, then Ron had to drag his feet while Harry's fingers clawed into the tiled floor, then Ron conjured a leash (yes, Ron could do magic, who knew?) and pulled Harry along.

They spotted Hermione at her usual seat, but this time she was looking blatantly at the teachers' table and attempting to drink mashed potatoes.  
>Ron sat down next to Hermione and forced his best friend to do the same. Harry started growling and hissing, as if unable to decide whether he was canine or feline, but finally settled for a hissing growl.<p>

Hermione ignored them. Which was strange, seeing as neither of them had done their homework, something she was very well aware of, but didn't start nagging.

Harry looked at who she was staring at: Snape. Harry just upped and ran again, he needed a bathroom and not for his bowels.

Harry refused to go down for breakfast, and only by hexing Ron's pajamas to shriek loudly every time he thought about food could he get his ginger best friend to leave him alone.

Harry was forced to show up for Potions, but Snape didn't have a go at him. In fact, Harry thought, Snape seemed awfully uncomfortable. He kept flinching at every girls' voice and shied away from everything and everyone. Harry thought this was funny - Snape was _shying away_? What happened?

The door to the classroom flew open, and in danced a very giddy Hermione, "Sevvie! You know I love you, my honey bunny cupcake, but you have to punish my sweetie Harry or no kisses for you!"

Snape and Harry stared at each other, before Snape said: "Mr Potter, you are excused, I will not punish you." Harry thought he heard the older man mutter "ever again" under his breath (Harry quite liked that idea).

"Sevvie, my love, my sun, my dark prince of the underworld, my vampiric being from the dungeons, my lover from an alternate dimension, my love doctor, my se mentor, my love machine, my..."

SLAP!

Everyone stared at Lavender, who had just given Hermione Granger such a punch that it knocked her out. Harry high-fived her. Everyone looked a bit green, but stared confused at the pair.

"What?" Harry asked, "I don't like hitting girls, so Lavender did it for me."

. . .

**A/N: Hope you liked it! Please review!**


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: To Carissa101, I will write the other prompt you asked for, I promise, but for now, enjoy bunny slippers :)**

**Chapter 7: Bunny slippers.**

Voldemort rushed through the night, a crazed look in his eyes. A crazier look than normal, that is.

There was no way in hell that he would allow this. He'd actually allow Bella with her strangely greasy hands fondle him (no matter how many times she claimed to have accidentally washed her hands with Severus' shampoo, he didn't believe her. Mostly because Severus didn't keep shampoo at Malfoy manor and whether that man even used shampoo was debatable) rather than Potter finding them.

He turned another corner sharply, nearly crashing into a suit of armour strutting about like a bloody peacock, but he shook his head and hurried on. You know, Dark Lords don't run, they never run, they are too good for running: they hasten.

He knew these were safe, just like the diary had been, and he really needed to make Lucius grovel again. Lucius was a good groveller, better than Bellatrix was a cowerer, and he really needed a groveller at that very moment. But alas, he had to save something first.

He turned another corner and ran into a tall man with an afro in a bright red corset, doing unspeakable things with a nimbus 2000. Those unspeakable things were this odd man serenading the broom.

Voldemort's heart almost stopped when the broom giggled. He ran for his life – this was getting out of hand, he really needed to find his room – uh, his chamber of death, destruction and other unworldly and scary things and words.

Potter had gotten the ring, the one that had belonged to his grandfather, Potter had also gotten the locket, the one that had belonged to his noble ancestor, Salazar Slytherin, but the Dark Lord would be damned if he let the boy lay one finger in his pink, fluffy bunny slippers!

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><p><strong>AN: Please review!**


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: I decided to be kind today: two chapters!**

**Chapter 8: The SNULK! (Incredible Snulk… for Blue-Bird-11!)**

Potter had done it again! He had succeeded in making Severus Snape so mad, that Snape had had to excuse himself from class to change. Not into another set of robes, because that would be both embarrassing and Longbottom would be even more confused than he was on a good day.

Now Potter had these forsaken Occlumency lessons with him, and it was beyond infuriating. The boy refused to learn, to practice. How on earth were they supposed to stop the Dark Lord if Potter refused to take his advice?

Snape rounded a corner and was met by his office door. Now he had to struggle with a tenacious teenager again, for a few hours, at least, to try and teach him to close his bloody mind.

But Severus was met by another scene. Potter was in his pensieve – he'd taken out the memory from last time, hadn't he?

He hadn't! It dawned on Severus slowly. Severus poked his head into the pensieve, following Potter.

Potter looked horrified at his appearance next to him.

Once they were back in his office, he reached for Potter's collar. His hand was already shaking… it would happen soon… and he had to protect Potter somehow. Even if he really wanted to smack Potter so hard that he ended up in the next year.

"Your lessons are at an end." Severus sneered at the boy, loosening his grip and throwing him not-so-elegantly from the room.

Severus locked his door urgently, not wishing for anyone to see him change…

And then it happened. His arms bulked up, now green, he felt himself grew and his robes tore. He also felt his brain shrink.

"Snape angry!" He yelled, "Snape smash!" And with that he started to smash all of his potions ingredients.

The next morning Severus woke up atop his dresser. What stressed him wasn't the fact that he was clotheless, alone and in his office. No, the thing that freaked him out, was how the hell the dresser had gotten into his office.

. . .

**A/N: Please review and send in those requests!**


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: For Carissa101, who requested two things. The first was rather disturbing, and this is that disturbing thing.  
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**Chapter 9: Harry's weird way of catching a snitch.  
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Harry couldn't believe it, nor did he want to think about what had caused it. He just knew it was the most uncomfortable thing he had ever experienced.

It had been mid-game, he had been flying over the field as calmly as he possibly could to look for the golden snitch, to get it before the Ravenclaw seeker could get it. He hadn't spotted the seeker thus far, and he also kept a wary eye on said opposing seeker to see if he spotted anything.

Thus far, the pair of them had no luck.

That was why, when something small attacked Harry, he flew as fast as the broom could, to get away from said thing. It slipped up Harry's trouser and as Harry lifted himself to get more comfortable on his broom, right up his... well, for use of a better word, his arse.

Harry didn't draw attention to this fact, he would just wait until they got a time-out that he would rush to the bathroom and bloody well spell the thing out. It was really uncomfortable, and Harry felt like punching one of the other teammates just to stop the game or even get himself sent off the field. He would lose this game and be hated by his house, but that was better than a snitch being stuck between his butt cheeks.

...

**A/N: I hope you like it!**


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